Pensacola to play in crab-themed Worst Uniforms In Sports History

This is a “honor” most sports teams avoid, but the Pensacola Blue Wahoos (Double-A South) are taking the field next week in the self-proclaimed Worst Uniforms in Sports History.

We may have had a small part in this, and for that we apologize. The uniforms will be worn by the team at the Festival of Crabzilla, celebrating the humongous Crabzilla sandwich served at the ballpark that was named the Best New Food Item in the country by this very site in 2019. 

“Who approved these?” team president Jonathan Griffith said, aghast, when shown the uniforms. “These are an embarrassment to the game of baseball. I might vomit.” 

The uniforms, which will be auctioned by the team at the game with proceeds going to charity, feature violently orange tops and equally offensive orange pants. While the uniforms’ fronts are atrocious, the true fashion crime rests on the backside, where a cartoon crab makes unflinching eye contact from the rear of the pants. With crab claws crawling down the legs of the pants and crab eyes staring squarely from the butt of the pants, the team is sure to both terrify and confuse opponents during the thankfully-one-night-only rebrand. 

“Why?!” team spokesman Mullet Man said. “I mean, I wear a tank top, jorts, and cowboy boots every day, and even I can’t look at these. These uniforms are a mockery to my ‘business in the front, party in the back’ life motto.” 

Crabzilla, a concoction cooked up by team executive chef Travis Wilson, was introduced at Blue Wahoos Stadium during the 2019 season. The feast of a sandwich includes a full soft-shell crab, crab remoulade, pork belly, parmesan crab mac and cheese, fried shrimp, hush puppies, lettuce, and tomato on a brioche bun with a heaping helping of crab fries on the side. After its introduction at the stadium, the sandwich became so popular with fans that a pre-game hotline had to be established to allow fans to call in their Crabzilla order before heading to the ballpark. Following the season, we named it the Best New Food Item at any stadium in the country.   

An exclusive line of Crabzilla merchandise, including t-shirts, on-field caps, and snapback hats are available now in the Blue Wahoos team store.